My Epiphany

I figured something out today that I’m sure is meaningful only to me. Still I choose to blog about it because I think it may satisfy some curiosity.

I ran into a friend from a past ward on campus the other day. She was actually my visiting teacher and used to give me a hard time because I didn’t embrace the ward we were in. Let me paint a picture: every night of the week fliers were posted on our door advertising movie nights and pirate themed pool parties. Upon being hassled for not going to these incessant activities, I would kindly explain to her that I go to church to worship not to get dolled up, meet people or build up some massive social network. My church attendance was in accordance with the vital things, meaning firesides and block meetings on Sunday for the most part.

I spent a few years doing the thing where I knew everyone in the ward and everyone in the ward knew me. Every night of the week I was out, I attended most if not all ward activities, regardless of how ridiculous or unnecessary they were.

Fast forward to now and find me disinclined to lead that kind of social life. Never have I desired to have a myriad of friends. Functioning in large groups never was my thing. I have always preferred to have a smaller group of close friends.

I have much to give in the form of love and compassion. My relationships are strong and lasting. I don’t deal well with people moving away...it’s almost as if they are literally dead to me. Ironically, I spent my formative years doing exactly that, as my parents moved us around the country. Apparently I have attachment issues or something.

In the past year most all of my closest friends have trekked stoically forth in their lives and met their husbands, married their true love, started grad school in far off lands, or decided to serve the Lord in full time missions. As I have remained in Provo I have floundered somewhat and become slightly reclusive. I am not satisfied with shallow relationships based on knowing what my major is or where I’m from.

What I once looked at as an opportunity for growth and new relationships, I have now decided in order to protect myself that it is not worth it. My heart is tender and particularly fragile as of late. I don’t want to invest myself in a new set of friend only to be left by them or to leave them. I am lucky to still have some stellar friends in the area, who despite being married or in law school or incredibly busy with their own lives, make time to nurture our friendship.

Alas I sit here, perfectly content to be at home making a good meal, blogging, reading, and getting some research under my belt whilst I chat to my roommates who are milling around and making plans to go out and be the social queens that they are.